Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Your Wine Astrological Forecast


Why is it that one day you try a wine and it is absolutely fantastic, yet the next time you eagerly imbibe the same one, it disappoints? Sometimes it may be due to bottle variation but most of the time it is because of bad timing. The wine you chose was, on the first sampling, in line with the stars but the second time around, it was not. It's as simple as that.

J. Addison, the Hedonistic Wino here - it's been a while since I've been cruising these pages but that's because I have spent extensive time developing the most wine-worthy products to enable you to reach the height of fine winedom. That kind of stuff takes time. And now that I am on proba- uh, on a roll, I proudly present to you the first of my annual editions of Wine Zodiac.

365 pages to guide you in your selection of wine are bound in this fine volume that begins not with the calendar or lunar year, but with the wine year: September 1. Each page has clear instructions as to what wine you are to drink for a particular date, depending on which sign of the zodiac you were born under. Use my book and no one will ever feel he or she was born under a bad sign again!

To tantalize you, I am giving you a freebie: a condensed version of the first entry in the book, what to drink on September 1, 2008 (the actual page has much more detail):

Capricorn: What better way to begin the wine year than with a bottle of Goats Do Roam.

Sagittarius: A wine from Amapola Creek, made by Richard Arrowood is in order.

Scorpio: It is imperative that you drink a very young Sancerre, one with high, bracing acidity.

Libra: It's your lucky day, today is wild card day for choosing a wine. Anything you choose this day will go your way.

Virgo: Only a red wine may be drunk, and it must have a picture of an animal on the label.

Leo: Whatever you do, make sure you drink your wine by yourself. Friends and acquaintances are not to be trusted today so also make sure the wine you drink is one that you personally purchased and did not acquire as a gift.

Cancer: Be careful, too much alcohol is dangerous today. Make sure the alcohol by volume in the wine you choose today is under 13%.

Gemini: What the heck, splurge today. Drink two bottles. As long as they are both the exact same wine.

Taurus: Today you must select a red Burgundy, no ifs ands or buts about it.

Aries: You must drink a white wine today, dry, and from a producer with a single word as their name.

Pisces: Ignore any rules today about red wine with meat and white wine with fish and just drink whatever you feel like. Tomorrow it may not be the same, but today go wild.

Aquarius: Unfortunately today you must drink something that tastes weak and watered down. Pretty much any inexpensive Italian Pinot Grigio would fit the bill nicely.

But why Addy, you may be asking. Why these rules? Don't ask me, I didn't make them up! It is in the stars and immutable. Your good fortune is that I am passing this along to you so that you will drink the right wine at the right time.

Don't get caught short - make sure you have my valuable book in hand before September 1 arrives so that you can begin matching your wines from the get go. The price? Extraordinarily reasonable. Is it not worth $1.00 per day to be able to ensure every wine drinking experience you have is perfect?




Amazon CD link: The Joker




Amazon CD link: The Fifth Dimension

2 comments:

GollyGumDrops said...

Genius! I'd never have to think about wine choice again. Is it acceptable for one half of a couple to keep this information secret and choose wine based solely on their star sign, therefore condemning their other half to a lifetime of disappointing wines? (Except maybe on their birthday).

MonkuWino said...

Hmm.. I never thought of that problem with conflicting signs - but you seem to have come up with just as good a solution as any!