Thursday, May 1, 2008

Wine Scandal Rocks White House

(Are the Chinese really buying up all the fine wine? Above: man examines wine label, confused by fine print that states 'produced from grapes grown in France, assembled in China')

Scandal has rocked the Bush Administration once again. This time the subject is wine, or rather, the lack thereof.

“People are complaining about high gasoline prices - well, that’s nothing compared to the prices of Bordeaux!” remarked Tom Medland, spokesman for Wine Price Watch, or WPW, a consumer group focused on keeping the price of wine at a reasonable level. “The person on the street is getting mauled!” He made these remarks last month as wine prices reached record highs.

President Bush has been telling consumers that the matter is out of his control. “There’s only so much wine that can be produced in Bordeaux or any other region and it’s a matter of supply and demand. 2005 is being called the ‘vintage of the century’ and is being priced accordingly. The Wine Ministers in France set the prices and unfortunately this is a seller’s market.”

The 2005 vintage in Bordeaux was indeed incredibly good and demand has caused prices to skyrocket.

Bush has also pointed a finger at the rising demand coming from China as another reason for high prices. “They’re in the market also, which just makes the supply even smaller and prices higher,” he declared.

Not so fast, though. Since voicing his complaints a month ago, Medland has done some investigating and the results are shocking.

“We tracked the production of all the major Bordeaux chateaus, as well as distribution statistics,” Medland told reporters at a press conference yesterday. “Something just wasn’t jibing. While there is no denying that demand for 2005 Bordeaux is very high, we were finding that production figures seemed far in excess of the wine we could actually account for as being sold. Something fishy was going on.”

That something fishy turned into a horrifying discovery for Medland and the rest of his cohorts at WPW.

Medland, shaking his head in wonderment and disbelief, continued. “It seems that an astronomical amount of cases of fine Bordeaux were diverted. Diverted right to the White House.”

To the White House? Our White House in Washington D.C., U S of A?

“Yes, to a huge underground cellar below the White House,” stated Medland. There are thousands of cases of 2005 Bordeaux as well as tons of other fine wines stockpiled in the cellar.”

When asked what the purpose of hoarding all this wine was, Medland told reporters, “To keep the wine away from the Chinese. It was all done to prevent them from buying up all the fine wine. And here Bush tried to blame them for driving up the prices! Incredible. We even uncovered evidence that they were planning on using this as an excuse first to boycott the summer Olympics and ultimately to invade China.”

A spokesman for the Chinese government, Bu Yao, expressed extreme disappointment upon learning of the Bush Administration’s actions. “I cannot believe a so-called civilized country would do this,” he said through an interpreter. “I’m afraid that it is not going to be a very pleasant time for the American competitors in the Olympics this summer.”

When asked what he meant by this remark, Bu Yao explained, “Well it is like when you go to a Chinese restaurant and criticize the chef. You should never criticize the chef before all your food has arrived at the table and you are finished eating. By the same token, the Olympics have not yet even taken place in Beijing yet. Do you need a fortune cookie to enlighten you even more?” he laughed. Inscrutably.

Meanwhile, upon learning of the gigantic stockpile of fine wine sitting beneath the White House, concerned wine enthusiasts called for the release of these wines in order to bring prices down.

“They’ve got way more than they need and it’s artificially inflating the prices,” said one disgruntled consumer. “Let some of that wine go to us common folk! And this criticism of the Chinese over human rights? Ha! It's all about the wine!”

Sources at the White House said the Bush Administration had nothing to say about the matter.

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