Thursday, May 8, 2008

Has Bill Clinton Overstepped His Bounds?

California Wine Czar Bill Clinton has raised more than a few eyebrows with the latest of his relentless efforts to elect his wife and former First Lady to the White House.

“That is absolutely going too far,” said a spokesman for Barack Obama’s campaign. “Using his position as California Wine Czar to order California wineries to put an ad for Ms. Clinton on every single wine bottle being released until the primaries have been decided? Talk about abuse of power!”

The ad in question features a “2008” vintage label, a picture of Hillary Clinton, and “Vote For Hillary” plastered on the back of every California wine bottle that is being shipped to stores from now until the Democratic Convention has declared a winner of the primary. The order was issued by Mr. Clinton in a directive to every winery based in the state of California.

“How blatant can you be, Hillary?” asked her rival for the Democratic presidential nomination, Barack Obama. “Is this how you plan to run our country if elected?”

When asked for comment, Ms. Clinton responded, “Bill did this. I thought it was rather sweet of him. I do wish he would have given me a little more time to fix my hair better, though,” she laughed, attempting a stab at infrequent humor.

The former president had this to say about the matter. “The results of the primaries to date are unsettling. They are showing us that the American people do not seem to know what is best for them and something has to be done about it and done right away.”

He continued, “You know that both Hillary and I hate to lose. We are ruthless people and will stop at nothing to win the election. You’ve seen glimmers of this all during the primaries and now it is time to take off the gloves and do some stomping. Tricky Dick Nixon, Watergate and his band of hooligans were amateurs compared to us. This is just the beginning. We’ve got hidden cameras all over the place. Even if I get caught, what are they going to do to me? I’m the Teflon president!”

While reporters stood there with their mouths agape, Mr. Clinton reached below into the podium, pulled out a bottle of wine and took a lengthy swig.

Clinton then continued his rant. “Let’s see what Two-Buck Barack thinks about that! After Hillary sweeps the convention the next bottle is going to have a picture of the White House on the label along with ‘Domaine Hillary’ underneath it. Hey come to think of it I was there, too. Make that ‘Domaine Clinton,’” he chuckled, before taking another long swig.

“The man is drunk,” declared one reporter. “No wonder he’s mouthing off like that. I thought he could hold his liquor better.”

Another reporter had an answer about tolerating the alcohol. “I’m from the Wine Spectator,” he said, “here to cover the Wine Czar aspect of the story. But about him holding his liquor, you have to realize he’s drinking a California Cabernet and those are about 23% to 30% alcohol these days. It must have snuk up on him real quick. If we can get him to drink some Zinfandel he’ll really loosen up.”

Regardless of the cause, reporters took advantage of Clinton’s candid demeanor and began asking him questions about Monica Lewinsky, the former White House intern.

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