Thursday, April 3, 2008

Budo Kun Retrial - A New Hope

Things looked pretty dark for Budo Kun yesterday after being found guilty by a jury of the closest thing to peers he could muster. But remember, it is always darkest before the dawn!

We take you back to the courtroom. In the adjoining hallway, Steely Dan has been replaced by a more introspective artist who may be able to shed some light on Budo Kun's behavior. Click on the video below to catch the action or if you can't see it, click here.

We are back live covering the Budo Kun trial. Budo is in tears, listening to pleas from his owner, JB to surrender the hidden weapon he pulled out after being found guilty.

Budo Kun: I can’t, Master. It’s too late. They found me guilty. I just can’t go to the big house and become a Little Penguin or YellowTail.

Bailiff: Uh, Ms. JB, there is a solution to this.

JB: And what would that be? I’ll do anything!

Bailiff: There’s a judge in the other courtroom who might be able to retry the case right now. He used to be a psychologist so he might be more sympathetic to Budo Kun’s plight and give him a fairer trial.

JB: That sounds good but you know in reality it would take about 10 years for this all to really happen.

Bailiff: And so the rest of this courtroom scene was reality?

JB: True. Please ask him, Bailiff.

(the Bailiff disappears for a moment then comes running back)

Bailiff: Good news, JB! The other judge has agreed to hear the case! Let’s go!

(Budo Kun, now with a glimmer of hope, tosses Gloria Allmad aside and hurries with his master JB and the bailiff into the adjoining courtroom.)

Judge: So this is the case that goes to the head of the line?

Bailiff: Yes, your honor. Sort of like playing Chutes and Ladders.

Judge: Okay, let me finish up with this case here and then I’ll be right with you. (the judge scowls at the defendants) Guilty as charged! Mott! Lock ‘em up!!

(as the defendants are being led away, the judge turns back to the courtroom)

Judge: Hello everybody and welcome to Psycho Court TV! I’m your host, Gary Vay-Ner-Jung and this, my friends, is where it all happens. The nation’s 19th most popular courtroom! Bailiff, what case is going to bring the thunder today?

Bailiff: We have a retrial of Budo Kun, your honor.

Judge: Oh, Budo Kun! I’ve heard about you!

JB: He is innocent, your honor. He’s been taken over by some sinister force that made him do those disgusting things, but that’s not the real Budo Kun! I believe Gloria Allmad’s theory was right, he has been influenced by the Bizarro Kun.

Judge: Well I’ll be the judge of that today.

Budo Kun: There’s no jury?

Judge: Budo Kun, I am the judge, jury, id, ego and superego. I make the decision! Plus I won one of those Wine Blogging awards. I think. Well if I didn’t, I should have.

JB: Your honor, there is obviously something inside of Budo causing this aberrant behavior. Look at how he fidgets. This is not like him.

Judge: Hmm. I’ve seen something like that before. It looks familiar. Ah, I know what it is. Budo! Approach the bench!

Budo Kun: Yes sir.

(Budo walks up to the bench. Judge Gary takes a sniffy sniff of the top of Budo’s head)

Judge: Aughhhhhhh!!!

Bailiff: What is it, your honor?

Judge: Just as I thought. It’s the Oak Monster! That’s what has been causing all the problems!

JB: I knew it! I knew there had to be something like that!

Judge: Budo, we will send you to the world’s most famous rapper to do an exorcism of the Oak Monster. After you see X Laks, you will be cured. At which time you may go back into the custody of your owner, JB.

Budo Kun: Oh thank you your honor, thank you! Arigato!

JB: Yes, thank you! That is awesome! It’s like a Christmas present from Santa! Santa Vaynerjung!

(the courtroom is all atwitter at the verdict)

Judge: Question of the day: JB, Budo, are you happy?

Budo and JB: Oh, yes we are, your honor!

Judge: Then that’s good! Because you, with a little bit of me, we’ve cured this lovable little fellow and made him a good citizen again! JB and Budo, you are dismissed.

JB, Budo and Judge: And everyone will live happily ever after! *sigh*

(a suspicious-looking fellow in an expensive-looking suit approaches the bench)

Agent: Not so fast, Ms. JB and Mr. Kun. Your honor, the question has come up as to whether or not Budo Kun is in this country legally.


End Notes:

See the Amazon product page for the Andrew Gold CD featuring the song in the video.

Also, special thanks to Jill over at Domaine547 for allowing me to use poor little Budo Kun in this blog and poke fun at him much like poking the Pillsubury Doughboy only funner (of course I am only saying this to avoid a threatened lawsuit and cease-and-desist order so I have to play nice-nice).

And I may have to threaten a lawsuit myself over someone casting doubts as to my sanity. I trust that time will show that these accusations are phony as the existence/reality of Budo Kun is confirmed beyond a doubt. Not only that, they spelled my name wrong. Am I right? Anyone?


Anonymous said...

Budo Kun an 'illegal'? I searched my feelings and fear a sting operation is looming.

MonkuWino said...

Actually I think poor little Budo Kun (I say little but then maybe he is really like 50 feet tall) has had enough. So my ending was more like the end to The Blob where all is fine and dandy when they drop the Blob in the frozen north, but then a giant question mark appears on the screen. I guess that's sort of like this last post - it leaves the door open, haha.