Joining the ranks of movies centered around wine will be what might turn out to be the summer’s biggest hit: Wine Wars. Based loosely on the 1977 Mega-Hit Star Wars by George Lucas, Wine Wars similarly takes place a long time ago in a galaxy far away.
It is a world in which the varietal and territorial distinction between grapes and the resulting wines made from those grapes has been eradicated by the Evil Empire. The Empire has declared that all wines must be made in a highly oaked, fruit-bomb style.
To this end, the Empire has commenced construction of the Oak Star, a huge winery with output in the billions of cases, and whose wines will be the only ones available throughout the known universe.
Bent on overcoming their oppressors, a small group of rebel wineries has formed the Rebel Alliance to fight for the preservation of varietal and territorial character in wines. They face an uphill and so far losing battle against the much larger Empire that seems unstoppable.
Here is an excerpt from one of the scenes in the movie. It is a conversation between young Luke Skysaddle and the much older and wiser Eno Juan. The two have just met.
Luke: My father didn’t know how to make wines, he drove a delivery truck that took the wines to the stores that sold them.
Eno Juan: That’s what your uncle told you. He didn’t like your father’s ideals and thought he shouldn’t get involved in dealing with grapes.
Luke: You fought in the clone wars?
Eno Juan: Yes, I was once a Vin de Garde, same as your father.
Luke: I wish I knew him.
Eno Juan: He was the best grape grower in the galaxy. And a cunning winemaker. I understand you’ve become quite a winemaker yourself.
(Luke modestly shrugs, and Eno continues)
And he was a good friend. Which reminds me, I have something for you. (Eno Juan gets up to fetch something in the corner of the room) Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn’t allow it. He was afraid you’d follow old Eno Juan on some damn fool idealistic crusade like your father did.
Luke: What is it?
Eno Juan: Your father’s tastevin. It is the instrument of a Vin de Garde. Not as clumsy as a oakometer but a more elegant device symbolic of a more civilized day. For over a thousand generations the Vin de Garde were the guardians of wine, keeping wines distinctive and elegant. That is, before the dark times. Before the Empire. Before all wines were made the same way and tasted alike and there was no need to taste them before bottling anymore.
Luke: How did my father die?
Eno Juan: A young Vin de Garde named Kang Aru, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the empire hunt down and destroy the Vin de Garde. He betrayed and murdered your father. Now the Vin de Garde are all but extinct. Aru was seduced by the dark side of the Terroir.
Luke: The Terroir?
Eno Juan: The Terroir is what gives a wine its power. It’s an energy force composed of all living things. It surrounds the wine and and penetrates it and binds the vineyard together.
And that folks, is a preview of the upcoming movie. Stay tuned as we will have more previews to show you in the days to come. Here are some of the exciting characters that will be appearing in the movie:
Luke Skysaddle – his father was a Vin de Garde and now it is up to him to save the wine universe.
Kang Aru – once a Vin de Garde himself, he was seduced by the dark barrel and murdered Luke’s father. Now he works for the Emperor.
Eno Juan – another former Vin de Garde and a fountain of wisdom. It will be up to him to mentor and protect young Luke so he can accomplish the great task ahead of him.
Princess Bonny – One of the leaders of the Rebel Alliance, who have sworn to defeat the Emperor and his evil ways, and bring back varietal distinction and territorial character to all wines in all places.
The Emperor – Leader of the evil Empire, it is his goal to standardize all wines throughout the universe into massive oak-laden fruit bombs. All territories in the universe must cater to him by making wines to please his palate or else be doomed to failure.
Han Zello – An oak-toting mercenary who is on the side of whoever pays the most. Will he be seduced by the dark barrels or will he join the ranks of the Rebel Alliance?
Chewy – a creature whose name defies description. The running joke in the movie is that whenever anyone is introduced to Chewy, they say the same thing: “Chewy? What does that mean, anyway?” And Chewy just lets out a bellow and shrugs.
The Oak Star – Giant planet-sized winery constructed by the Empire that produces billions upon billions of cases of wine to distribute throughout the universe.
Imperial Fruit Bombs – The massive star fleet destroyers used by the Empire, which are made of new oak, of course.
Millennium Magnum – the band-aid wooden starship used by Han Zello and his companion Chewy as they cruise the universe looking for their next mission.
Stay tuned, there’s more to come!