Thursday, January 3, 2008

An Incongruent Tooth

Not content to rest upon his Nobel Prize laurels, environmental ambassador Al Gore is now trumpeting a new cause: global wine point inflation.

“Of course there will always be scoffers,” sneered Mr. Gore during a recent interview about whether or not wine point inflation even exists. “Just like there are scoffers about global warming, they doubt global wine point inflation but for those Doubting Thomas types, let me just ask – who has the Nobel Prize? Me or you? Case closed.”

Gore continued. “The graph doesn’t lie. As you can see, the scoring curve of average points given to wines in each point category has steadily increased from the decade of the 1980’s to our present 2000 decade. And we’re not even finished with the decade yet. Who knows how much more severely that curve is going to shift to the left by the end of this first decade of the 2000’s?”

It was pointed out to Mr. Gore that some have questioned his methodology in obtaining the data for his now-famous graph that has even appeared in People Magazine.

“I take great pride in ensuring the accuracy of my data and in its interpretation,” Mr. Gore assured everyone. “I use a special, proprietary algorithm to come up with my findings that takes thousands of factors into account, all in their own proper timing. I have named this special method the ‘Al Gore Rhythm.’”

The reporter’s laughing reaction was silenced by Mr. Gore’s icy stare.

“Believe me, global wine point inflation is very real, it is happening now, and we need to do something about it before it is too late,” Mr. Gore impressed upon the crowd.

There are, however, dissenting voices. Among them, John Kopelski, noted wine point analyst.

“What Mr. Gore is seeing is simply the result of a random distribution of vintages,” insists Kopelski. “You would have seen the same effect in the 1920’s, what with the back to back amazing 1928 and 1929 years in Bordeaux. The 2000’s are high on his graph because of the great years we have experienced so far in this decade.”

Mr. Kopelski continued. “Throw a 1977 or 1984 in the mix and see what happens. It all evens out in the end. Mr. Gore is simply seeing things that aren’t there, and manipulating data to arrive at pre-conceived notions. Eventually it will all wash out.”

“You mean just like if you gave 10,000 typewriters to 10,000 monkeys, then eventually they would randomly type all of the world’s greatest literary works?” asked the reporter.

“Yes, something like that,” replied Kopelski. “Random things return to random levels. This is simply all chance.”

“I beg to differ,” countered Gore. “Did Mr. Kopelski win a Nobel prize? Did he invent the Internet? Did he invent carbon offsets? The facts speak for themselves. These disbelievers out there…” His voice tailed off and he shook his head then gave a shrug. “What can I say? Ages ago people wouldn’t believe the earth was round, either.”

And with that, Mr. Gore boarded his Lear Jet for the next stop on his global tour to continue promoting his latest cause.


Anonymous said...

Monkuboy, methinks thou hast one vivid imagination. Maybe two! Are you sure you're drinking enough? :)

MonkuWino said...

Hi Russ, maybe this imagination is from drinking TOO much, lol.. It's only going to get more outrageous the rest of the year!