Thursday, December 13, 2007

Letter to the Editor - Disgruntled Reader

Dear Monkeywino,

I been reading some of the most ridiculous things
I ever heard of in your website and finally I had to put my foot down and write to you even though my wife said to be polite and leave well enough alone because you’re from California and can’t help yourself.

You are just plain stupid. You’re what I call an idiot.

I could go on and on but I’ll just mention one thing that irks me no end: how you let this snooty sissy named Jay Addison sell a bunch of useless nonsense on
your website. Let me tell you, I got some things of my own that I use and they don’t cost near as much but if fools like you want to pay a lot for them then be my guest!

I sent you a couple of pictures. That first one with my hand in it shows me holding my own “wine aerator.” It don’t cost me but $1.19 for a 100 of them from Wal Mart but you can pay me $119 each for them.

See what I do is I insert one end into my glass of wine and the other end into my mouth and then I blow. And you see them two fingers on my “win
e aerator?” Them’s what I call my “air flow regulator” that scientifically lets me control just how much air goes into the wine. You know what? It works just fine!

And unlike them idiotic contraptions you sell that can only do one thing, my “wine aerator” is reversible. I can blow in reverse and make the wine come up into my mouth. Ain’t that amazing!

Unlike them stupid glasses you talk about that d
irect the flow of wine onto different parts of your tongue because you taste it different depending on which part it winds up on, I can do the exact same thing with my “wine aerator.” I just move it to the front or move it to the back or the side of my mouth. And it don’t cost me no $75 like you paid for that stupid looking candle holder that you think is a glass, you durn fool!

I tell you, you people in California is a bunch of nuts. Don’t you have no sense in your head? From reading your website and getting madder and madder by the second, I guess not!!!

By the way, I’m sending you a picture of the other simple invention I use that maybe you might want to take over and charge hundreds of dollars for. Say hello to George, my “decanter cleaner.” Let me explain.

You got them funny-shaped fancy decanters that you can’t even stick your hand in to clean them and you get all them stains inside because of that. Didn’t the durn fool that made them think about how can you clean them before he made them? Either that inventor is from California or France.

Well George is my solution. I just pour me some purified water into the decanter after I have my Chateau Lafoot, then I take George out of his cozy little tank and put him inside the decanter. That little catfish just scoots around and eats everything off the glass and makes it clean as can be!

Then I take him out of the decanter and put him back in his little home and he’s as happy as a fish can be, just bumping into things and swimming upside down and stuff. Every time he sees me with a wine bottle and my decanter he gets all excited and tries to jump out of his tank!

Now Monkeywino, my “wine aerator” and my “decanter cleaner” didn’t cost but a few bucks and I get hundreds of uses from each of them. Don’t you think you can get some sense in your head and stop selling them sissy things for so much money? Let's all do our part to reduce our big budget deficit!

With Genuine Sincerity,

Jim Royale
Common Sense USA

No comments: