Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The Wino Hedonist Debuts

The rapturous heights attained by consuming the wondrous elixir known as wine is absolutely incomparable.

Do you agree with me? Then you are precisely the person I seek in my quest to raise the bar even higher when it comes to experiencing the unmatched pleasure attained by an incredible glass of wine.

My name is J. Addison (“Addy”). The purpose of my venture, The Hedonistic Wino, is to magnify your imbibing pleasure by marketing an exclusive, limited selection of products designed to heighten your wine-drinking experience, taking you to heretofore unachieved heights of sensory pleasures.

In the same way Monster Cable revolutionized the audio industry years ago by offering sound enhancement products that improved even the most state-of-the-art system, my goal is to revolutionize the wine industry by offering wine enhancement products that will improve even that treasured bottle of Petrus or Romanee Conti developing in your cellar.

Each product in my line is so unique, so revolutionary that it begs introduction individually. Therefore, I shall unveil my complete line of wine enhancement products one by one, on a daily basis, in order that the full impact of each will make a suitable and appropriate impression upon you, my soon-to-be loyal customer.

Let us begin with product number one:

Aeration Filter:

Every wine connoisseur knows the value of repeated swirling of a fine wine in the glass in order to properly aerate the elixir for maximum effect. But what sort of harmful air components are you exposing your wine to by swirling it in such an indiscriminate way?

Take a sample of our air these days, whether indoors or out, and you will find all sorts of pollutants are present. Are these the type of things you want your fine wine to be exposed to? It’s like taking a new born baby and placing it behind the exhaust pipes of your car! Criminal, right? Yes, you are right! So why do that to your wine?

Our aeration filters are woven from the finest organic content with a patented structure of pores that trap 99.9% of all harmful microparticles in the air that would otherwise act to degrade your total wine experience.

Simply take one of our filters (making sure the “up” imprint is facing upwards away from the wine) and place it over your glass, sealing it with the special elastic border stitching. Then you may swirl away to your heart’s content. Remove the filter and sniff the wine. Ahhhh, did anything ever smell so sweet to you? It’s like removing the entire city of Los Angeles from your wine glass. You can use the filter for the entire bottle of wine. We do not recommend trying to reuse it after this, however, as there will be too many pollutants trapped within the weave.

Our aeration filters are also quite suitable for covering your wine during political speeches and other such events.

Small size (suitable for Champagne flutes, and smaller stemware) – 50 sheets in a sterile package, $49.99.

Large size (for larger-bowled glass, even up to the Riedel Grand-Cru Burgundy model) – 50 sheets in a sterile package, $69.99.

Tax, shipping and handling charges will be calculated upon checkout.

Please stop by tomorrow for the unveiling of revolutionary product #2. I, J. Addison, stand behind every product I advertise and offer you an uncompromising, unconditional guarantee of satisfaction.


Anonymous said...

"In the same way Monster Cable revolutionized the audio industry years ago by offering sound enhancement products that improved even the most state-of-the-art system,"

I thought they revolutionized higher pricing for cheap cables, and thinking they owned the world-wide rights to the word "Monster" - am I mistaken?

Anonymous said...

I here toilet paper makes a good aeration filter.

MonkuWino said...

Well J. Addison intends to do in the wine world what Monster Cable did in the audio world: flood the market with ultra-expensive products that have a dubious real effect on anything, but make a ton of money nonetheless.