It’s official. The long-debated invasion of Starrken Vineyards in Mendocino County will proceed as planned, announced California’s new Wine Czar, former U.S. President Bill Clinton yesterday.
In his first official act after being appointed by Governor Schwarzenegger, Clinton will send the National Guard onto the land to rip out every last vestige of the nesbitt varietal grapes that currently exist in the vineyard.
“We have no choice,” declared Czar Clinton. “The Starrken vines pose a threat to every other grape-producing plant in the entire state, as well as the nation. We have in our hands definite evidence that the vines are contaminated by Parasites of Mass Starvation. That’s the sign we needed to give us the go-ahead.”
Critics of the invasion contend that there is no evidence of such Parasites, or “PMS” as it is commonly called. James Blaney, spokesperson for the Peace in the Vineyards coalition, explained it this way: “This is not about any so-called Parasites of Mass Starvation, this is all about the almighty dollar. Clinton wants to rip out the nesbitt grape vines and replace them with pinot noir and chardonnay. Why? We all know why. Because nesbitt grapes are used for blending and don’t fetch high prices in the marketplace, whereas pinot noir and chardonnay are the darlings of trendy wine folk and wines made from these grapes command premium prices.”
Blaney continued. “Nesbitt grapes may not be popular or well-known, but they do serve a purpose and also need to be preserved for historical purposes. These vines were planted in the 1920’s and the grapes produce amazing flavors – orange, strawberry, lemon-lime, even at times approaching root beer. What other grape can claim such a variety of tastes? And Starrken Vineyards holds the last remaining vines of this varietal. How can we allow anyone to come in and heartlessly rip them out? Like I said, it’s all about the dollar. There’s no infestation on these plants. There’s no such thing as PMS.”
Clinton responded that the protesters may be well-meaning, but they are also mistaken. “We would not act callously and without regard to evidence. We do have evidence that the nesbitt vines have been infested. These little PMS attach themselves to the roots of the vine and then suck out all the nutrients, causing the plant to wither and die because it gets famished and cannot get any rest. The PMS does not let up – they’re like paparazzi – the only way you get rid of them is to rip up the plants and burn them. We’ve got to do a pre-emptive strike to eliminate these pests before they spread through the rest of the state.”
“Bull,” flatly stated Blaney. “What evidence? We’ve been asking to see the evidence and they keep refusing to show us.”
Opponents of the invasion were sorely disappointed by a last-minute ruling from the California State Supreme Court that sided in favor of the invasion. “I’m sorry,” Judge Van Ebsen told attorneys from both Peace in the Vineyards and the Sierra Club. “If you were trying to save a salamander I’d have issued an injunction. But this is, well, just a grape.”
“The highest court in the state has spoken,” said Czar Clinton, his wife and presidential candidate Hillary standing by his side to show support. “The Governor is also solidly behind our decision and will provide the resources we need. Friday morning at 8:00 am, September 14, the invasion begins.”
Blaney and his cohorts vow to continue a race around the clock to stop this invasion, given the code name “Awk and Shaw” by the administration mainly because no one could think of anything better. “It’s not over yet,” insisted Blaney. “People have to realize, read my lips, that there is no such thing as PMS.”
An outraged Hillary Clinton had been silent the whole time but finally could contain herself no longer. “Yes there is!” she shrieked.
“Amen to that,” nodded her husband.
And with that, the countdown to Awk and Shaw continues. We will keep you posted.