Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Protests Greet 1st California Wine Czar Nominee

Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger may have thought he’d chosen a slam dunk nominee for the inaugural office of California’s Wine Czar, but he thought wrong.

The environmentally-friendly nominee, Al Gore, has run into opposition from the public who claim that he is not as “green” as he seems.

The former Vice-President under Bill Clinton, as well as the democratic presidential candidate in 2000 and now best known for his campaign to stop global warming, confronted protestors outside of the Capitol Building in Sacramento last Tuesday following his interview with Governor Schwarzenegger.

Critics say that while the spotlight has focused on Gore’s admirable war against global warming, it has also served to keep other aspects of his life in the dark. “We did a little investigating.” said Marie Curran, spokesperson for the California Grape Enthusiasts. “We discovered that Mr. Gore’s wine collection consists almost entirely of wines containing undocumented grapes. Bottles of generic “chablis” and “hearty burgundy” line his shelves. How can he be in charge of an agency dedicated to weeding out undocumented grapes when he stockpiles them himself?”

Curran continued. “As you know, the new Wine Czar will have to be a resident of California. Mr. Gore lives in Tennessee at the moment but we learned that he is currently in escrow to purchase 22 acres in the Stag’s Leap area of the Napa Valley. These 22 acres currently have established vineyards, which he plans to bulldoze to make way for a 142-room mansion, each room of which will have its own electrical power station! Does that sound right to you? And on top of that, the man flew out here in his private Lear jet. I don’t think he’s the right person for the job.”

When confronted by these allegations, an angry Gore retorted, “Yes, I flew out here in my Lear jet. Time was of the essence. Did you think I’d roll into town in a truck looking like Jed Clampett? The esteemed governor wanted to see me right away so I complied.”

The nominee had this to say about his collection featuring “undocumented grapes” and plans to destroy valuable vineyards to make way for his mansion. “I do admit to these things, but I am compensating for this by purchasing ‘grape offsets.’”

Gore further explained, “’grape offsets’ are a way to make restitution for putting dents into the environment. I’m paying back for my transgressions. There are various ways to do this, but in my case I have paid for subscriptions to the Wine Advocate, Wine Spectator, as well as 14 other wine-related publications.”

A steaming Ms. Curran asked him, “What the hell does that have to do with anything?”

“People like Robert Parker and the folks at the Wine Spectator, along with the editors and contributors to the other 14 publications, are all dedicated to the betterment of the wine industry by educating people to make more informed choices when purchasing wine. In the long run, that will raise the quality of the wines on store shelves. California, which has the lion’s share of wine sales in the country, will reap the lion’s share of benefits. That’s how I am employing my ‘grape offsets.’”

“That’s going to offset all the damage you’re causing? And your drinking undocumented grapes?” screamed Curran.

“Those wine publications are not cheap,” shot back Gore. “It’s $75 per year just for the Wine Advocate alone.”

“What about the paper it wastes? You could have at least subscribed to the online edition!” yelled Curran. But by then it was too late, Gore had gotten into the limousine that would transport him to the airport and back to more familiar and friendly turf in Tennessee.

Governator Schwarzenegger was asked for his comments. “I did not realize this man was going to cause such a controversy. But I still support him. He has done many important things; without the Internet how would anyone order wines online? His contribution to inventing the screw cap that is now becoming more prevalent on wine bottles in invaluable, as is his work at the University of California at Davis in inventing the aroma wheel.” In response to a whispered remark from an aide behind him, the governator mumbled, “Well that is what the man told me. Why should he lie?”

Still confronted by a wave of skepticism, the Governator added, “Look, look my friends. You should have seen who else applied. Why, I had Brittney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton all come to me and ask to be made Co-Czars. When I told them holding that position would not exempt them from drunk driving arrests, they withdrew their applications.”

Shaking his head, the Governator continued, “That would not have been a good idea. I would have had my hands full with these girlie women.”

“I bet you would have!” shouted Ms. Curran as the Governator exited the Capitol.

It appears for the time being that there is chaos surrounding the nomination for the first California Wine Czar. We will continue to provide you with updates as they happen.

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